New Bloggy

Update- I have started a new blog- not sure if I am going to keep this one anymore. I really love typing my daily whatnots- but I've decided to have a little more purpose in my blogging efforts. It is still a work in process- but I am moving to www.whole-ierthanthou.blogspot.com- I hope you follow me there!

PEACE!

Texts from Abbley

Here is a real text conversation with The Golfer. This is why I love his goofy ass:

Me: I touched a snake in the warehouse by accident!

Golfer: That is the scariest thing I've ever heard of.

Me: I don't want to be here now it's under the shelf.

Golfer: Was it a deadly one?

Me: Black widow I think

Golfer: Or maybe a great white

**Btw- this actually happened today. I accidently touched a snake at work. It was hiding in a box I was reaching in to. I'm putting my two weeks in...

My camera is still broke. This is what it looked like though:

Credit

D * O * double G you see

Rewind Wednesday-

C3 and I love to capture on "film" (anybody using film out there?) the ridiculous things people like to put on their cars and car windows. We spotted this gem coming back from Panama City Beach one year:

This was homemade window decal on an RV. Truly one of out best finds. Maybe one day I'll put all of our cars in a picture scrapbook...

Shish my boyfriend says Volume I

I can't take credit for the idea of this post(livitluvit.com- for some reason is not linking but check it out- she is hilarious)- but my boyfriend provides me with material too good not to share.

Recently we've purchased a condo together. Our decorating ideas might not mesh...

golfer: "when you picture our new carpet... are you picturing BLUE like I am?"

me: "no."

golfer: "are we too old to not frame the things that go on our wall?"

me: "are you talking about hanging posters in our house?"

golfer: "yes"

me: "yes, we are too old for posters."

PSA- check your credit report!

Listen to this mess.

The Golfer and I have been trying to buy a condo for about a month now. We have the biggest bunch of clowns working for us to make this happen. Now, everyone says they felt the same way when they bought a house- blah, blah, blah. But I wonder how many people have had this happen to them... (intrigued aren't you?)

Our first mistake is not having our own Realtor- we went with the selling agent. In fact, we have never even met our Realtor- so we really have no one on our side looking out for our best interests.

Moving on... the real issue is with our Mortgage Broker who we refer to as "Mo Bro" because he talks as if he is a 21 year old, smoking his bong all day long. (we have never met him either)Friday was our closing day and despite 3 extensions and a $1,500 increase in our closing costs- the closing was going to happen. I go in at 10:30 and sign my life away on a the largest packet of papers I've ever seen. While signing, I noticed that my SS# was incorrect on every paper. Directed by the title lady- I crossed off the incorrect number and wrote in the correct one. I even made a joke about Mo Bro being a F*** up and not correcting the SS# when I noticed the mistake MONTHS ago.

So I'm waiting and waiting to hear from my Realtor about when/where I can get the key to my new place (she was conveniently decided to go to Miami on our closing date). Around 4:30 I was informed that my loan was back in underwriting because the entire loan had been based on someone else's SS#!!! Now, my Mo Bro says this is not the case, that something else has caused a delay in me getting my key, but another person from his company says that it is in fact, in underwriting. Now I have $9,500 out of my checking account, no key to my condo, and no idea what is going on!

So, let this be a lesson to everyone. Check your credit reports! Because some poor unsuspecting person has had their credit ran, god knows how many times, for a condo they know nothing about!

Everyone out there please send happy thoughts that I get this condo. I think at this point they should just give it to me. That seems fair, right?

**I like to include pictures with each post but my camera is broke. I've chosen this kitten to represent my frustration because nothing shows anger like a cute kitten that appears to be screaming.

bishes and hoes and losers and losers

Can I just say that The Sweetest Thing is the best girly movie ever? And I am not just saying that because I have had 3 Blue Moons (ok- 4 Blue Moons). I love it! It is truly how my girlfriends and I are. Love it. I miss my friends.

source

F the Polar Bears

We've all seen the Noah Wyle PSA about polar bears. It's so obnoxious. Polar bears? Really? I'm from Florida, I say that we save the manatee. They've been on the endagered species list forever! Where are the celebrities lining up for this cause? Manatees are called gentle giants. Never will a manatee maul you to death. Manatees are curious, friendly, herbivores. Polar bears are vicious, unpredictable carnivores. F polar bears! That's what I say!

** this my friends, is a pin that my brother bought me when I was in 3rd grade. I begged for this thing. ha.**

So I wanted to add the actual Noah Wyle commercial and found this. Apparently I am not the only one that thinks this is ridiculous.

I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?

Tell me that the check out clerk at Publix couldn't tell I was spending this weekend alone with these purchases:

• Pizza "for one"
• small ice cream
• large bottle of wine
• very large dog bone
• toilet paper

So what if this is my idea of a great Friday? Who says I need my boyfriend here to have a good time? I have decided to create a list of reasons why I am happy - that's right- HAPPY my boyfriend is currently not living here with me (and no- I didn't get dumped- he's in NY till Oct.)

1. I can eat the same meal every single night for dinner- like my favorite popcorn and wine
2. Two words: Granny Panties- and not the cute boy shorts kind- I'm talking Target Fruit of the Loom 5 pack.
3. Last weekend I rented Twilight, Rachel at Wedding, and Confessions of a Shopaholic. enough said.
4. I can sleep in the middle of the bed... with Bunkie
5. I can watch of Say Yes to the Dress or any other wedding show of my choosing without worrying about him running for the hills.
6. Less laundry
7. I can come home and immediately change into my pajama pants and tank top... okay, okay- I totally do that when he is here too
   
   

Alright. I can only think of 7. He needs to move here quick before I turn into a fat hermit.

Are you ready for some football?

**sorry for the delay in posts- I've been sick for the past 5 days**

With football season upon us... I decided to post pictures of my first Bucs game. My good friend Angela gave Crystal and I tickets. This was the day after I accidentally dyed my hair black.

This next picture is everyone shotgunning a beer- something I do not know how to do... perhaps that should be my goal for this football season.

Rewind Wednesday - Pound Puppy

Here is a picture of when I first got Bunkie. She's my little pound puppy and I love her with all my heart.

**isn't she the cutest?**

He took me to mansion but I don't mean the club

Woke up at 4am today to catch my flight back home from NY. I had a great weekend with Abbie. Just to make all you girls jealous out there- My first night there he took me to his golf course to watch the perseid meteor shower. It was very sweet and very romantic.

My last night there we stayed in a mansion.

Where we had beers...

Beers...
and more beers...

Shenanigans...

pool and beers...

beer and beers...

Rewind Wednesday

St. Patty's Day 2006- Crystal, Casey, Sasha and I all went to the Rascal Flatts concert in Fort Myers. Donning our best cowboy hats, we sat through 2 opening acts only to learn that Rascal Flatts were" sick" and the concert was cancelled. (we later heard that they were actually too drunk to preform- which made me stop being a fan).

Best part of the night was the 4 of us in Sasha's car singing "I'm proud to be an American" at the top of our lungs.

What are you thinking?

Ashley's Tuesday thoughts...

• Ann Curry says "good morning" at least 3 times every day within the first 5 seconds of being on air.
• Who in this gym is getting pumped up to the Rod Stewart song that is playing?
• How is there only $25 in my checking account?!
• If you lived in Vietnam would you feel compelled to shout "GOOOOD MOOORRNNINNGG VIIIEETTNAMMMM!" everyday?
• Thanks Subway- we've got it- $5 footlongs. Let's move on shall we?
• I'm moving to France where they get 5 weeks paid vacation.
• You are not THAT busy if you are able to update your Facebook every hour about how busy you are.
• Remember Herman's Head? That was a great show.
• Remember Parker Lewis Can't Lose? That was a great show.

Photo source

Knowing is half the battle...

Today I heard a commercial for the new GI Joe movie. At the end it says "may not be suitable for children under 13."

Um, HELLO!? GI Joe was created for children under 13!

Welcome to Central Florida

"Listen" to this crazy story.

This weekend I went to visit my parents. Being the doting grandparents they are- they fed my dog Bunkie lots and lots of people treats causing her to have an upset stomach.

Driving back home I notice Bunkie doing the "I'm going to shit right now" dance in my backseat. I quickly pulled off the road and into the parking lot of a funeral home (that was closed). I immediately took her to the very corner of the funeral home lawn. I purposely took her where I I thought no one would be walking. When she was done dropping her disaster I went back to my car.

At that time a big truck with a trailer that says "Lawn Maintenance" comes roaring up behind me.

Redneck Jerkface: "I KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO CLEAN THAT UP SO I DON'T STEP IN IT WHEN I MOW THIS LAWN TOMORROW!"

Me (stunned): "I'm sorry. I don't have any plastic bags- do you have one and I'll pick it up?"

Redneck Jerkface: "ROAR ROAR GRUMBLE GRUMBLE."

Me (still stunned): "I'm sorry, I am not from here and she was going to poop in my car what else was I supposed to do?"

Then he drove off as fast as he could just to turn around and go back home.

It bothered me the whole 2 hour drive back. Here are my thoughts:

• I always pick up my dog's poo but I honestly didn't have anything to pick it up with and even if I did was I supposed to drive the next 2 hours with the smell of poo in my car?
• He would have done the same thing if he were me.
• Why did he have to be so damn rude?
• It was going to rain any minute anyway- it would have been washed away anyway.
• Was he just lurking around the corner waiting to yell at me?
• I wish I were a bitch and just yelled right back at him.
• I am going to bring Bunkie to poop here every single time I go home.
• If he saw where she pooped couldn't he have just avoided that spot?
• He is a very angry person- I feel sorry for his children.

Here is a diagram to show how considerate I was in picking her poo spot. I made sure her disaster wouldn't be in the way of anyone that might be at the funeral home the next day.

What would you have done? Was I in the wrong?

side note- I totally expected him to come flying up beside me and chuck poo at my car. I kept looking in my rear view. I've lived in Central FL long enough to know the ways of the Redneck.

Conversations with Ashley

This blog is inspired by Conversations with Deb (excellent).

NFA (no fun Ashley): You should go to meditation tonight.

FunAshley: But it's raining!

NFA: You should go workout then.

FunAshley: But you just put an offer in on a condo! Let's celebrate with wine and popcorn!

NFA: You don't even have wine.

FunAshley: You can steel wine from the neighbors.

NFA: Steeling isn't the Buddhist way.

FunAshley: You've already stole it once... you are really just steeling the replacement.

NFA: Wine and popcorn make you fat.

FunAshley: This is one of the few times you have zero responsibility. Eat. Drink. and be Merry! (and watch Say Yes to the Dress!)

Guess who won...

Duped

I always feel duped when I band I despise comes out with a song that I actually like. When I found out that "I Gotta Feeling" song is by the Black Eyed Peas- I was suddenly embarrassed for liking it. I mean... what would people THINK if they heard me humming along?

Down on the farm...

So I had mentioned that I moved into a new place awhile back. What I didn't say, is that I am actually living in someones guest house and that it is kind of in the boonies and there are farm animals... like these cute little guys:

And Snap- he is my favorite...

But this furry little creature is sooo NOT cute.

A good little Buddhist would have saved this eight legged, flesh eating insect- and set it free in the wild. I chose to drown him in Raid instead. (I have a long way to go to reach enlightenment)

One step forward and two steps back...

Today is my new friend Lila's birthday and we are meeting up tonight for dinner and drinks. This means I would have to miss the spin class I usually take on Wednesdays evenings. Being the new and improved fitness superwoman I am- I set my alarm for 5:30am and actually got my sleepy ass in the gym for a 45 minute workout.

I started out strong- feeling good- feeling superior to all you losers out there who were still sleeping while I'm blasting fat from my chubby thighs. 20minutes in - someone put on a pot of coffee and the Folgers aroma began to zap my zest- still, I elliptical-ed on.

Fast forward to 10:10. I'm at work. Dragging. WTF? Aren't I supposed to have a runners high that is to last me all day? Isn't that what all you runners are always boasting about? I can't take it any more and end up buying a grande no fat vanilla latte from Starbucks. 200 calories. damn. That is 1/2 of what I burned working out. Oh well.

On the plus side- check out my new ring!

(and yes my hands look old- so what?!)

Blah

So I have to stop following the blog I am Style-ish. It just makes me depressed.

A. because I have no style and

B. This chic is out buying $600+ Louboutin heels while I am soaking my feet in the "car wash bucket" with Dawn because I can't even afford a $35 pedicure!

I wonder if there will ever be a time in my life where I think it is ok to spend that much money on a pair of shoes.

Root root root for the home team

So the B-friend and I went to a baseball game last night. Two for Tuesday always draws an unusual crowd. Here are a few of the sights and sounds of that night:

1- One of my biggest pet peeves- a young floozy in 3" heels and a black dress

2- "This wiener is pale"

3- My favorite- 3 old men sitting behind us debating on the best pitchers of all time

4- An eight year old girl wearing the exact same shorts I wore to work that day (no more shopping at Forever 21)

5- The little girl in front of us charging her brother and sister for each bite of cotton candy they took "that bite is 10 cents!"

6- Everyone moving higher to the metal bleachers and metal overhang when the lightening storm hit

7- Abbie and I shouting encouraging remarks to the batter:

"Come on #22! We have faith in you!"

"Way to go #13- we knew you could do it!"

"That's ok #21 you did your best!"

8- 3 ticket attendants singing a capella at the stadium bar

I don't give a Fiddler's Fart

Just a quick note...

Yesterday Frank McCourt died. He is the author of two of my favorite books- Angela's Ashes and 'Tis (Teacher Man was also pretty good). These books were memoirs of his life- so I felt like I knew him - which makes his death all the more sad.

(Title of this blog is a quote from Angela's Ashes)

115%

Quote of the day... Jan Neethling from Bodybuiling.com says:

"Good nutrition is 80% what you eat; 30% exercise and 5% supplementation."

Love it.

Let's hear it for the White Blue and Red !

There is something about fireworks that make you want to be with the one you love. Since the one I love is in NY- I decided that I would celebrate the 4th with my own red, white and blue.

Starting with WHITE sands

BLUE Jello-O Shots

And ending with a RED sunburn

**btw- if you ever want to see something really gross- Google the word "sunburn."

Proclamation!

Today will be the day that I will drag myself out of this funk I have been in for the past week. I think some mega fun is in order.

Remember me now!?

So last week I ran into this girl I knew at the gym. She says to me "OMG- I didn't know you went to this gym!"

Now- I've only had a handful of conversations with this girl and one of the them was about a month ago - AT THE GYM!

So annoying!

Reminds me of this stupid girl in college- we'll call her "A Bear" who introduced herself to me at least 10 times. WTF!? We have the same friends! I know you know my F-ing name!

I hope that I have never done this to someone- and if I have- I sincerely apologize- because it is completely rude!

At the Pearly Gates

Do you think Farrah Fawcett saw Michael Jackson in heaven and thought "wtf!?"

On top of spaghetti...

On my never ending quest to find healthy food that taste good- I found a recipe for spaghetti squash. LOADED!

It takes only 15 to cook. I made mine with organic (that's right) spaghetti sauce and mushrooms.

I'm not going to say that it tastes exactly like pasta- but as someone who doesn't eat a lot of pasta anyway- I find it to be a pretty good substitution.

** Don't be fooled by this picture- it tastes a lot better than what it looks like- I'm just a lousy photographer

I think I'll go to Boston

My trip to Boston wasn't quite what I thought it would be. We arrived just in time to eat dinner at our hotel and crash. The next day I watch Abbie play golf in the pouring rain for 4 hours under 5 layers of jackets. (Being the Floridian that I am- I packed only summer clothes for this trip - it IS late June after all!) Abbie said I looked like Joey from Friends when he put on all of Chandlers clothes.

I sat in the airport for four hours to learn I wasn't going to make it on the flight back home. We grabbed a quick bite with Abbie's friends and crashed. I finally made it home today at 5. I had a little bit of a delay at the airport- so I purchased the book Twilight which I thought was pretty good until my friend told me her 10 year old step daughter loved it too. (Does that speak highly of her or less of me?)

This is the only picture I took on this trip. The only good thing about flying is being able to watch the sunset from above.

Things would be better if I was back at home with Pepper

I found my official CD for the summertime- Pink Crustaceans and Good Vibrations - Pepper's latest. No life changing songs or anything- but it's a great drinking Sparks and chilling by the beach play list. Which-coincidentally- is exactly what I did today.

**Abbie flies in tonight... can't wait!

web cam too

I also have a webcam now. I'm such a techie.

Law Abiding

For the first time ever I am paying for my internet access. I'm such an adult.  

Regular blogs to come!

Cookie monster

In an effort to eat healthy- I took a stroll down the Green aisle in Publix and found these cookies. They are wheat and gluten free and are LOADED.  I absolutely love these cookies- especially the pecan shortbread ones.

Ashley + delicious cookies = love

3 cookies a day (X) 130 calories per cookie = unhealthy

yummy cookies + zero self control  = no more cookies 

This is my last kiss goodbye.

Be Funky

Check out this great website: www.befunky.com